Do you ever feel like your life is a roller coaster of emotions? I mean really, one day you wake up completely elated for no reason other than simply breathing, and then next day you wish you could quit breathing. Now, don't go get all scared and think I am suicidal, cause I am not. It's just that sometimes I wish my life would plateau in a sense that I would be able to maneuver through it without getting queasy with emotions. I am sure that is clear as mud. Let me explain.
I am on the downhill countdown for my husband to be home. Complete elation. Utter joy. I will be whole again (yes, I know it sounds corny, but I feel as though this year was only lived 1/2 way with Drew being gone.) Oh wait? That means getting used to being responsible not just for myself but for another human being. Feelings of inadequacy all over again (imagine being married, being separated, and then being married again. It's like the whole newly married phenomenon over and over again. You are so excited, but you don't really know if you can handle all of the responsibility that comes with the new territory. I know. It makes me dizzy too). I am completely, completely excited that Drew is coming home. But I am also fearful of my flesh, because I know I am selfish by nature, and I don't want that to ruin the excitement of the moment.
I have the best, I mean the best, family in the world. Don't argue. I know your family. Mine is better :) OK, maybe not. But let me live in my world of oblivion just for a moment. I have been able to get to know my younger siblings (who are just enough younger than me to be in a completely different stage of life at all times through this life) this year better than I ever thought I would. My siblings are my favoritist people in the whole world. They make me laugh till I cry, they say the greatest things in the world, they understand me like no one else does, they're just awesome. And now, they are moving. Brick in face. That's how I feel. How do you get up from such a hard blow? The past couple of days has me searching for steady ground like someone getting punched in a dark room. You don't really know where to grasp, but you know there is solid ground somewhere if you could only find it. Yes, I know that I serve a BIG God and He has plans that are far greater than our own. But I hardly feel like this is a good thing right now. Maybe in a few weeks. But now, it just sucks.
So, I sit, mad at myself for not having the faith of a child. Confused with all of the emotions surrounding my circumstances right now, and trying my best to lean on the Rock of the Ages. I'll come around. It may just take a while.
For the few of you who check this blog, I have now officially circled the band wagons and joined facebook. Apparently it's the new addiction, right up there with drugs and alcohol. Well, maybe not that bad. But seriously. check it out.
1 day ago