I must admit that I have sat at the computer to type this post for the past 2 days, and words cannot begin to describe the emotions I have had in my heart the past couple of days and weeks. To say that the defining line in my life is patience and faith would be an understatement. I feel like I am constantly asking God, "WHY?!" to so many things. I feel that to best explain my point I must share some stories.
In the midst of my unemployment, I felt the need to give back at least some portion of my free time to those who needed it, so I signed up to be a volunteer at the Samaritan Community Center. It baffles me that sometimes the people who have the least amount of material things (knowledge even) on earth are the ones with the most joy in their lives. Mind you, I was not surrounded by a bunch of poor people who couldn't read and write, jumping for joy because they were what our world deems "underpriviledged." But I believe that some of them (obviously not all, as we live in a fallen world so they will all not assume the best attitudes) were truly joyous regardless of the circumstances in their lives. The hardest thing for me was watching little children, grappling for food like they hadn't eaten in days, asking for 2nds, 3rds even, and having their parents tell them to just drink some more water because "that will fill the hole in your belly." Oh so sad to see the potential in a little ones life and know that there is a very real truth to the fact that she may not be able to achieve all she is capable of because of the cards dealt to her in life. Please don't ever fall into the trap of believing that the gospel and missions are something that are brought to 3rd world countries. We have people in need in our backyards, and they need the love of Jesus showered on them just as much as the people in another country. If you have a free day, please try to volunteer somewhere that serves people in need. "... to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even to the least of them, you did it to Me." (Matthew 25:40).
Most of you will probably already know this next story, but I feel that it deserves to be put on this blog, because this family has been a pillar of faith in such an incredibly dark circumstance. A friend of mine from high school, Rebecca (Rainey) Mutz, recently gave birth to a sweet baby girl. From the first minute of Molly's little life, things weren't right, and the news that came in the very first days of her life was tragic. Molly had a serious and rare condition that caused too much blood to be pumped to her brain, causing subsequent congestive heart failure, along with other medical problems. They had to make the decision whether to risk little Molyy's life by going through numerous surgeries, yet not knowing what type of life she would have, or by removing her from life support and releasing her to the Lord. As I type I still tear up. I cannot imagine someone telling me I would have to make such a hard decision. Oh how my heart breaks for them as they are mourning the loss of their little sweet angel that only graced the earth for 6 days! Even in the midst of the hardest storm, their families have shown that their faith in God will remain steady. Mr. Rainey wrote this in an email hours before Molly would be taken off of life support:
I do know that Wednesday was an incredible day. Videoing, picture taking, making a mold of Molly’s hands, Rebecca and Jake holding Molly still teethered by life support tubes. Rebecca and the mom’s giving Molly her first, and only bath, washing her hair. Stroking her little naked body. This is not what this young mother expected. Doing footprints and hand prints. Ask me to show you my bible and I’ll show you her footprints all over Psalm 127 and 128…and her handprint on my life verse, Psalm 112:1-2…Her life may have been short in terms of days, but her life has been mighty. Mighty Molly Mutz.
May I have faith like this family when I am in the midst of trials. God will be glorified by little Molly's life. I know it, because it already is happening.
I guess this leads me to my main questioning of WHY. Why would God give so many children to families who can't even feed them, yet take life away from a family who obviously has faith as strong as the mightiest pillars. Sometimes life just doesn't make much sense. And although I know in my head (and in my heart) that God is sovereign and nothing catches Him by surprise, it's so hard to keep grasp of that while wrestling with the raw emotions that these trials bring. I have learned in my questioning that it's ok to question. It's ok to feel hurt, pain and disappointment when things don't go quite like we had planned or hoped. Just because we feel that way doesn't mean we don't trust in God; Trusting in God and having His joy doesn't mean that we don't show those hurts. It just means that as we are falling, there are hands and arms to hold us up so that when we reach the bottom, there is something to cling to and catch us. Throughout this ordeal, as well as others, which for the sake of time and space I won't go into, I have constantly been drawn to the song by Steven Curtis Chapman, God is God. I started to just write out the chorus of the song, but feel like the song in it's entirety is worthy of putting on the blog, so I will paste it at the bottom of this post. I am not sure how many people read this blog. I do not know who you are, if I know you, or if you believe in Jesus Christ as Lord. But I do know that this song sums up for me the foundation of my faith. He alone is sovereign. His plans are better than mine, regardless of what I may think right now. To God be the Glory in all things! And please, please remember that life is precious, and we are so richly blessed to have food on the table and a family who loves us. Please don't take for granted what you have, because I promise you, there is someone out there who would die to be in your shoes!
GOD IS GOD by Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass
Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
2 hours ago