Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Forgive me for posting words on wordless Wednesday, but I am feeling slightly insightful and a bit philosophical about mom things today, and figured there's not better way to remember things than to jot them down on the good ol' blog.
Yesterday started out like any other mom day starts; you know, laying in bed, dreaming about how you used to sleep well into the afternoon with not a care in the world. Then the wee one wakes and you lay in bed and wonder what they really must be cooing about at 6am in the morning, and if they must coo, does it have to last for an hour? It's kind of like a human rooster-- so vibrant and awake, even before the sun comes out, ready for the world to play. Not that I don't like my son cooing in the morning. I really do. But sometimes (especially after a 3 day weekend) you just want to rest. I fed Brayden and he had independent playtime. Most of the time, he'll play by himself for about 30 minutes. This ensures I am not spoiling him by holding/playing with him ALL the time, and also gives me a few minutes to eat breakfast. He only wanted to play by himself for about 10 minutes. So I went and picked him up. And basically had to hold him for the remainder of the day. It didn't matter what I did, he just wasn't happy. After about 4 hours of this (mind you, he didn't nap either) I was literally to the point of wanting to gouge my own eyes out. At one point, after I had done all I knew to do for him (and he was still crying), I put him in his crib, walked out of the house and almost started crying myself. So the day went on, until finally 7:30pm came-- the last supper :)  When B was finished eating, he pulled off, looked at me sweetly and started to "talk". At first I was kind of peeved, and thought to myself "unbelievable. you've been a pill all day and then decide to be all cute right when it's time to go to bed?" Then I thought of Rebecca & Katie, and God humbled me. I thanked God for giving me a screaming child, and let the little boy ramble away (perhaps he was asking for forgiveness for being so hard on me?), rocked him a little longer, placed him in his crib, kissed him on the forehead and walked out of the door as he fell asleep. Iwas so emotionally exhausted last night, yet I was grateful that at the end of the day God gave me some perspective.
After my nerves recovered, a sadness remained. Sometimes I think motherhood (especially a stay at home mom) is such a lonely road. Even though there are millions of other people traveling along this road, most rarely speak of the emotional roller coaster that you take when you sign up to be a mommy, and those that do are generally written off as crazy. I try to explain to Drew how I feel, but it's almost one of those things that no matter how hard you try, words cannot express what you truly feel. My best effort to put it into a context that Drew would understand went kind of like this: "Imagine you had the job you've ALWAYS dreamed of. And you absolutely LOVE it. But you were never able to leave your desk. EVER. You had a potty right there, and all of the people you worked for watched you crap, shower, dress, etc. You were able to sleep at your desk, but this did not assure you that the phone wouldn't go off in the middle of the night, (and even if you answered it it might still keep ringing)  and the boss came in to work to tell you you needed to wake up early to get on things today. To top it off, you were stuck in that same position for the rest of your life, with no raise, accolades or atta-boys. And to make matters worse, the person you work for will go through phases where they absolutely hate your guts, think you are the stupidest thing to walk the face of this earth, etc." The story still doesn't really give justice to the life of a mom, but for a moment Drew was able to at least slightly comprehend the feelings I go through on a daily basis. I am thankful that even though he doesn't comprehend it completely, he tries to express gratitude for me staying home (for that matter, I am grateful he allows me to stay home!). I am not sure I'll ever grow out of these feelings. And to be honest, I don't really feel them EVERY day. Sorry for the book... I am not really sure that this post was as philosophical as I thought it would be when I was thinking about all of this today, but sometimes I guess it's good to get it out of your head and onto some "paper." Here's to hoping that the next few days are not a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.... and if they are, may God give me the patience to persevere.

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