Several years ago, I swore I had my life figured out.
I already had my man, my cute little dog, and a quaint home with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths and a nice little landscaped yard. I planned on having 3-4 kids, and I was most sure of two things: we would never live in a certain city and we would never send our kids to public school.
Fast forward six years. And tomorrow, I walk my five year old into a public school in that same city I swore we'd never live in.
Isn't God funny like that?
I have been an emotional roller coaster of a mess the past several days. Apparently it didn't fully hit me that Brayden was going to Kindergarten until he was actually sitting at his desk. With his name on it. And stuffing school supplies into his pencil bag with a big smile on his face like he'd just won the lottery.
I'm also going to be completely honest here: I have wrestled with God over these past several days. While I am completely confident in our decision to be in the public school system (
this article actually articulates so well most of the reasons that I feel led to be in the school system in the first place... if you are a Christian teacher/parent/student in the public school system, READ IT. It's so encouraging!), I have doubted too. There are challenges and logistics that would so easily go away if I chose to stick to the comfort that I know. But God rarely calls us to places of comfort, does he?
Studying Matthew last year, I most related to Peter. He was strong and gung ho, and if Jesus asked the disciples to do something, he was usually the first to open his mouth and charge. But when Peter stepped out onto the water to walk toward Jesus, he doubted. Even when the Son of God was walking on water before him, he decided to look back instead of ahead, to look around at the chaos and not look to the One who controlled the storm. And I've found myself doing that this week, going back to the "what-ifs" and the questioning of decisions.
I don't think it's been a coincidence that I just completed the Restless Study (by Jennie Allen) this summer. Over and over again the Lord was confirming my passions were aligning with our calling of public school. At the end of the study, something Jennie said stood out: she said (and I'm paraphrasing here... please forgive me) sometimes we're called, and all we have to stand on is the rock in front of us in this great big body of water. And then, we're called to stand there, and wait for the next rock. And then the next one, and the next one, and so on. I think God knew I needed those reminders this summer that our decision to go to public school is so much bigger than just our family. And that if I chose to sit back and do what felt comfortable and known, I'd miss out on the greater blessing of being part of God's big picture.
So tomorrow we step on the first rock. Not knowing where the next ones may lead. But knowing that the Lord will be with us as we go. Am I sad? Sure. My baby boy, the one who made me a momma, is growing up and tomorrow I am starting the process of letting him go. This won't be the first good-bye I'll have to make on this journey of being his momma, and that overwhelms me a bit thinking about how emotionally drained I have felt JUST FOR KINDERGARTEN over the past four days. BUT. He's excited. And I know he's ready. And I know that if we are called, then the best place for us to be is in His will.
I feel like I'm rambling here, but I felt like I needed to share this. So that people would know that it's ok to doubt and wrestle and be afraid, even when you are confident in the calling. That just makes you human. I just want to encourage you to not look back. To stand strong and confident, not only in the decisions you make, but in the God who led you to make them.
