Please Pray

To the right on my blog is a link that says "Praying for Stellan." I can't even begin to paraphrase all that is happening right now to that sweet little baby, but please pray for the baby, his family and most importantly that the will of God will be carried out and that God will be glorified. You can click on the link to follow the story completely.

Most of you have asked how I am feeling. Besides an unusual sense of sleepiness, I feel great. However mentally the past couple of days have honestly been hard. I am a pessimistic person by nature, and tend to think and worry about the worst thing that could happen, trying to plan my life in preparation for the worst. Perhaps it is because I hate being in a state of vulnerability and weakness, and so preparing for the worst is my way of trying to cope with the emotions that COULD come. I don't worry about sleep deprivation, changing dirty diapers 10 million times a day or doing six loads of laundry an hour. I worry about my sons health; will I have a still born child, will I lose him in infancy or early childhood. Will he be God honoring or will he lead a life of rebellion, will he honor Drew and I or will he spite us, will he have some type of horrible mental illness or physical ailment that will cause us to have to be his guardian for his entire life. I know it sounds crazy horrible that I think about this stuff, but I am just being honest. Drew's been praying for me to have freedom from this mental battle, and honestly it works sometimes, but then I feel like I slip right back into it again. It's a constant struggle. I am not in control-- even though I am (by nature and sometimes bad habit) a controlling person. God knew the days of my child's life long before he was even knit in my womb. While I can guide Brayden to make good decisions and teach him of Jesus and Salvation, it's ultimately his choice, not mine. So, yes, physically I am fine, but I think that I have a ways to go releasing the things to God that I cannot control and truly being OK with that regardless of what HIS outcome is. Pray that I will learn and release.....