Thursday, November 11, 2010

Fear and the Unknown

As the last few weeks of my pregnancy dwindle down, I find myself more and more anxious. I've tried to pinpoint exactly why, and unfortunately have not been that successful. On a big picture scale, I can truthfully say that I feel like the anxiety comes from the fear of having two children. Two children under two, with the oldest being one of those kids who is CONSTANTLY moving. Brayden is curious. Brayden is vivacious. And Brayden needs physical activity. While none of those things are inherently wrong, it puts me in a place of fear as we approach a winter season with a newborn... meaning that I will just not be able to pick up and go do whatever because (a) it will be blistering cold and (b) I don't want to go out during flu season with a newborn. So I face my new found situation with fear. It's overwhelming really. Just thinking about it makes me tear up. I am scared for where I am mentally; I fear that I will be prone to post partum depression, something that I was far from when I had Brayden. Quite honestly, all of these emotions are so new to me and make me feel a bit guilty since I know full well there are thousands of women who are dying to have a newborn. Why God has chosen ME to enter into this is beyond me. I feel beyond incompetent for the task at hand.

Last night as I was on my way home from my haircut, I was listening to Focus on the Family. Steven Curtis Chapman was on the program speaking about adoption. Something he said really jumped out at me. He said a lot of people question adoption with fear of the unknown. But what's interesting is what he said after that; he said that when we become Christians, Jesus calls us TO the unknown. As I have pondered that statement, an aha moment was born. I always question WHY God does something. Why would God call us to the unknown? Because He wants us to be in situations that we HAVE to call on Him. The unknown puts us in a situation that we HAVE to reach out and grab someone's hand. It makes us realize that we are not in control and that someone else is sovereign. At least it does me. That's where God put us before Brayden was born; I had always assumed you just get pregnant. After several months it was apparent that becoming pregnancy wasn't completely in my control. And I was in the unknown. Now I find myself shaking with fear over the fact that I am not sure I am cut out to be a mom to more than one child, especially two children who are so close in age. But after hearing SCC last night, I finally feel like God has yet again placed me in a situation that I will daily have to look to him for strength, wisdom and patience. It's the only way I am going to make it through.

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