Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Just Life.

Last week I hit a wall. It was a long time coming considering all of the stresses in our lives right now. After talking with two close friends that night that I melted, both of them admitted that they were surprised I had hung on to mental sanity as long as I did. I'm not sure whether I should be encouraged by their admittance or scared by the fact that other people are seeing things before it happens to me! Ha! In all truthfulness though, I am so very grateful for friends who will allow me to just be me and vent about my frustrations, disappointments and failures without fear of judgement. I call these friends my "kidney friends"- friends you could call on in the middle of the night and they'd do anything for you. Friends you'd give your kidney to. I am so blessed to have so many kidney friends in my life and am so thankful that even though it seems as though I am walking in the valley that there are so many there to pick me up and carry me through.

I also feel the need to brag on my husband. On top of finishing his MBA and dealing with a demanding job, he has to deal with a CRAZY wife and two kids under 3. Praise the Lord that Drew has kept his sanity in the midst of it all, otherwise I'm pretty sure you'd see our family on the news as "those whackos from Northwest Arkansas" (ha!). All kidding aside, I have been so humbled by how Drew has come next to me and has stood in the gap for me. He has prayed truth over me, he has given me breaks and he has sacrificed so that I can process everything going on. There are moments in marriage that make you fall in love with your spouse all over again-- and this is definitely one of those moments of time for me. It is God showing me just how perfect he made Drew for me. I couldn't imagine having anyone else by my side whispering affirmation and love to me.

The other truth I have felt is that God meets us where we're at. Sometimes I feel like I start believing the lie that I have to perform a certain way to attain success. Obviously I am not successful in a job per se, but I think we can all agree that there are definite pressures when it comes to being a stay at home mom and homemaker. As Brayden has hit the terrible 3's (yes, there really is such a thing, and yes, it's worse than terrible 2's. and yes, I cry about it. you can cry too-- I won't judge), it's the straw that's breaking the camels back. On top of all of the life stresses, the screaming, hitting/kicking, back-talking, blatant defiance that has engulfed my son is just about to do me in. It honestly has made me feel like such a failure. When we're driving (it's the one time in my life that I get semi-sanity breaks, so we drive a lot these days) and I hear Brayden's sweet voice singing and see him sitting in his car seat all sweet I think to myself "I LOVE him SO much! Why do we have to fight like this?!?!" It's so frustrating. I don't know the answer for the issues. I just know that God has whispered to me that His grace will cover my inadequacies. I'm thankful for other bloggers and moms who have been honest enough to disclose that they too are dealing with the same things. Also, this entire scenario definitely makes me look inward. In many respects I am so very much like my little toot of a toddler. I kick and scream at God when things don't go my way, and expect Him to bend to my every demand. Then I am humbled by the fact that even when I myself act like a little toot, God is still merciful to me and loves me tenderly through my imperfections. His mercies are new every morning, and during this season of my life I am ever so grateful for new mornings.

(PS- I don't want this post to seem like a sob story like I am trying to get people to feel sorry for me or for people to think I am complaining about my life. I live a very blessed life despite the hardships I am going through and I am grateful to God for all that He has blessed me with. If anything I write all this so that you know that behind the posts is someone very real, who goes through things just like every other mom. I don't have it all together and feel like it's healthy for me to disclose (without FULL disclosure) that my life right now is just hard). Thanks for walking through me on this journey!).

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