Wednesday, January 23, 2013

What Will They Remember?

I never really wrote a post recapping 2012 or looking forward to 2013. I didn't really have the time, or take the time, to devote to it. I do know that 2012 was a hefty year. In many ways, the Lord poured blessings on our family in ways I never really imagined were possible. And in many ways I left 2012 with a heavy heart. Friends had children who died. People I knew of had husbands die. Friends had (and still have) a sister who suffered several strokes and is fighting to return to normal. So you can see where I was ready to hail 2012 good bye.

But it also left me thinking. Life is so sweet and so fragile. It's very easy to say that we only have a moment, but until that reality is actually staring you in the face, it's easy to forget about the fragility of life as I run around in the day to day muck of life. Seeing lives end so suddenly or change so quickly has really left me with one question: what will my children remember of me?

You may remember that last year I struggled with being an angry mom. I'm thankful for where I've come since then, but I still have so much further to go. And leaving 2012 has made me ask myself, if I were to die tomorrow, or have something change me permanently today, what would my kids remember? Would they remember the fun times that we shared, or would they remember those moments when I lost my cool because I just couldn't handle another kid screaming. Would they remember that I chose them over my computer, or would they remember the times that I chose facebook or twitter over playing legos? Would they remember the times I hugged them and kissed them, or remember the times that I chose to ignore their pleas for another hug or a snuggle session on the couch?

I'm not a perfect mom. I have my flaws, like everyone else. But I hope that what my kids take away each day is that I will fail, and that I will apologize for my failures. I hope that they will remember that I may be fallible, but that I pointed them to an infallible Savior. I pray that they remember the moments that I had energy to play with them, and not the moments that I may feel like I couldn't peel myself from the couch. I pray most of all that they remember that they were fiercely loved, in spite of their failures and flaws, and that I chose them over all of the distractions of life. That's my goal for 2013. To make sure that what I live out is what I want them to remember. And to make sure that what I live out points them to Jesus. Because of all the things that I want them to remember, is that they need Jesus. Just like me.

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