Wednesday, June 16, 2010

On Questioning God, Sufficiency and Perfection

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is questioning God. Such a heavy topic, right? I'm pretty contemplative like that.

It seems to me that lately, when I hear about people who are struggling with real life issues, that they fail to question God. Or perhaps they do question Him but are afraid to admit it... I don't know. I just feel like in the church today, people think that questioning God is wrong. Like it's some taboo thing that if you are a "good Christian" you won't do. But didn't David question God? And Job? What about Abram? Even Jesus asked that if there was any way that He might be able to not die, to let the cup pass Him. That's why I don't think it's taboo at all. In fact, I think God wants to hear our questions. He wants to calm our fears and reveal himself in ways to us that may not have been possible if we just play the whole "well, it's in God's will." And on the whole "in God's will" thing... I'd like to step on a soapbox of mine for a moment.

I completely agree that God has a will and that our lives will follow that will in some form or fashion. But that fact does not lessen grief, sadness, disappointment or fear that we may have along the way. When we were trying to get pregnant with Brayden, one of the things I HATED to hear was that it would happen in God's time. I KNEW the truth, but I needed friends to grieve with me and to go through the journey with me, not wait at the destination and say "it's all good. just get through the woods on your own... I'll be waiting at the end to let you know that it works out ok!" Seriously? That's not a friend. At least in my opinion. Some of the greatest friend warriors I have were friends who stepped in my shoes, realized the situation I was in, and instead of pointing out the obvious (that God was in control), they cried with me, they listened to me, and they prayed over me. They were also the sweetest ones to tell that God had answered our prayers-- because I truly felt like they were JOYOUS with us... not just giving me the typical response. I am pretty sure that this stance can be conveyed over to all other forms of grief as well-- whether it be loss, uncertainty with job situations, etc. I'll step off my soap box.

I guess I write all this to say that it's OK to question God. To plead with him on our fears and doubts. What you do with the questions is the real issue. Do you harbor bitterness after questioning if the answers aren't what you wanted or do you question and then draw near to Him. I'll be the first to admit that I question for a LOOONG time before I eventually release. But I eventually do. I think I am finally getting there with this pregnancy. Realizing that God's plan, while a little different than the way I always saw our family growing, will be far better than my own. That this little life obviously was meant for our family before I thought we were ready, and I am curious to see the blessings that will be brought to us from him or her. I find myself getting more excited and less worried about my inadequacies as a mom. Not that the fear of failure is not there; I believe I will always be one who fears failure since I am a perfectionist by nature. I want to be that perfect mom who cooks organic food for her kids, has them on a perfect schedule and has them all nicely dressed whenever we go out. I don't think I'll ever hit the mark entirely. But His strength is sufficient. He will carry me through the long days with two, just like he carries me through (sometimes by what feels like a string) on the long days with one. If I relinquish the fact that I can't teach my kids everything, and that trying to be perfect fails to teach my kids that God is the ones who completes us, then I think I'll be on the right track. For a second at least. Until the next question unveils itself and I start the cycle all over again :)

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