Saturday, July 17, 2010

Fear Itself

Whoever came up with the phrase, "There's nothing to fear but fear itself," has obviously never had children. With children, there are a million and one things to fear. And while "perfect love casts out all fear," when life happens, that simple truth is so easy to forget.

On Thursday I received a phone call no expectant mom wants to receive. A message, nonetheless. It was the nurse from my OB's office, asking me to call back as soon as possible, and just tell the receptionist that she's awaiting my call. Considering it's like pulling teeth trying to get THROUGH to the nurses at my OB office, I had a hunch that this wasn't good. 

I called back immediately (why is it that we hate bad news, but we hurry up to get it?). Nurse A(the nurse, whom I should note I have had a few frustrations with in the past due to her lack of bedside manner and compassion) started explaining that Dr. S (my OB) wants me to go in for a second ultrasound in 4-6 weeks. {heart sinking, mind swirling}. I grabbed a piece of paper to hurriedly jot down what she was saying, as things were starting to blur. Basically there were three reasons behind having me go back in:
  •  The inside's of Connors kidneys are swollen. When asked what that meant, she said it could mean nothing, and that it's very common among baby boys (up to 25% of fetal males have this condition). Don't worry she says. RIIIIGHT.
  • They did not get a good view of the spine. This came as no surprise to me, since the tech had waited till the end of the ultrasound to get that view, and Connor was just not cooperating as far as positioning goes.
  • They were not able to get a "good visualization" of one of the outflow tracks to Connor's heart. I have absolutely NO idea what this means. The nurse basically said it could mean that the tech just didn't get a good angle. Don't worry she says. RIIIIGHT.
So, what does all this mean? Honestly, after talking with the nurse, I really don't know. She said that it's nothing to worry about, but who doesn't worry after hearing things like that about their children? I was kind of frank with her after she said "just don't worry about it." Basically I said "look, this may be your job. And you may be used to picking up the phone to tell people they've lost a baby or that their child has something wrong with it. But you need to realize that this is my LIFE. This is my BABY. You can't tell me there may be something wrong with his kidneys, but that it's no big deal and not to worry, and have me NOT worry. I am this baby's mommy. It's my JOB to worry. It's my JOB to make sure that he's safe and protected" After I said that she started kind of blabbering/backtracking about how that wasn't her intent to make it sound like she didn't care, and I explained that I know she may not intend to sound that way, but she needs to put herself in my shoes (which would be hard since she's not married and has no children). This same nurse acted pretty much the same way when we found out I may need to go on Clomid (before I got pregnant with Brayden), so honestly my patience level with her is pretty short. 

I am scared. I have worried and still worry about all of the unknowns at this point. I have cried tears. Have you ever heard that Mark Schultz song called 'He's my Son?' I feel like that right now. I wish there was some way that the health question would be ME. I'm OK with my kidneys failing or not working properly. I've lived a good life and have been able to experience so many things. Connor hasn't. And truth is, he may be totally fine. But as a planner, and as a worrier, I go there

I am thankful for a sensitive husband. Drew's been really good at letting me process this on my own terms. In the past, it's been hard for him to do since I tend to go to the extreme, and he tends to take life in stride, but I think he's learned that that's just how I process. It doesn't mean I don't trust God, it's just how I wrestle with God. I get to a place where I am broken in knowing that His will is best, but it definitely doesn't negate the feelings of grief that are associated with knowing something may be wrong with my baby and what kind of road we may be looking at moving forward.

So where do we stand right now? Basically, what I've typed is what we know. I've googled about the different conditions and honestly, I probably shouldn't have. I have my regularly scheduled OB appointment on the 27th. Drew will be going with me so that we can talk to the DOCTOR about what she sees and why she is ordering this new scan. We're hoping for more definitive answers. That's what I hate about the current medical system; too many dang people sue doctors, that the doctors don't give definitive answers. I just want the TRUTH. I want to know all the possibilities. I don't want some ho-hum answer that makes me feel like another cow being herded through the OB fences. It will be good to have Drew there so I can have another set of ears to hear, and someone who will remember all of the questions I have had. Our second ultrasound is scheduled for August 12th. Double edged sword right? On one hand, it seems somewhat comforting that they are not in a rush to get anything else done. On the other, it seems like an excruciatingly long way away, and gives too much time to sit around and think about the 'what-if's'. 

As always, I covet your prayers. Mainly for peace for Drew and I as we are forced to sit and wait. That we would rest in knowing that Connor is fearfully and wonderfully made and that God's works are marvelous and intricate, however faulty conventional medicine may say they are. Pray for Connor, that these things that we are going in for will be nothing to be concerned over, and that if there is something wrong that it will indeed fix itself before birth. God is the Healer and He is so much bigger than a doctor and an ultrasound. I know that in my head, but when life happens and things touch you personally, it's hard to live it out. So, pray, pray, pray. It's all I can do to plead with you to pray on behalf of our family. I was hesitant to even post all of this on the blog; but blogging is so therapeutic for me, and I believe there is power in numbers, and the more people I can get to pray for my little boy the better. Thanks so much for following my life, and for walking by me through the good, the bad and the ugly. I'll update as we know more.

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