Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Just Being Honest

When I started this blog way back when, the purpose was to mainly keep up with friends, not to chronicle my life. As I have journeyed on the path of life, my blog has morphed. I would say that it really took off when I was pregnant with Brayden. And when it took off, I made a pledge. My blog wouldn't be one of those blogs that is all lovey dovey and let's you see just the good of my life. That wouldn't be me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and rarely will you find me not willing to tell you how it really is. Yes, A Dollop of My Life is just that... a Dollop of the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm not ashamed to show you the bad moments between the good pictures, share the stories of how I feel like I may go insane, or tell you that my marriage has hardships. In fact, I would say that in sharing those moments, I've gotten more comments telling me that they wished more people would be honest in life, sharing those moments, and in turn I've sighed a sense of relief knowing I am not the only one who has crazy days. And that is why I will continue to blog with honesty. Because I feel that it's far more important being honest, than pleasing everyone out there that might stumble across my blog. And with that, I shall digress and move on... sort of :)

As a mom, do you ever feel like you are the center of a bunch of rubber bands who want to go in about 15 different directions? I feel like that a lot lately. Brayden yelling "I want out", Connor crying because he's hit the 45 minute intruder phase with his naps, Drew calling to let me know he's on the way home, and dinner is not even on the stove. I have come to one conclusion: I knew being a mom was going to be hard, but never did I ever think it would be this difficult.

It's emotionally wearing. I'm physically exhausted at the end of the day. I feel like a failure as a wife because my husband gets the measly crumbs of me that my children didn't consume the previous 12 hours before he came home. One of my kids is always let down, whether it means I leave one in a swing or one baby gated in a room. It's enough responsibility and weight to make any sane person want to throw in the towel. At least that's the way I have felt a lot. Perhaps it's because I have such high expectations for myself. Perhaps it's because I have tried so hard to please everyone in my family and I hate to fail. I don't know. What I do know is that in talking with other women, I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I also know that those women who I do talk to tell me that it's OK to talk about my feelings.

Why more people don't talk about the bad and ugly of motherhood I have no idea. It's kind of frustrating honestly. I feel like so many people feel as though they have live life with a fake smile on their face and tell people that yeah, everything is great, when in all reality they are broken on the inside just like me. Wouldn't it be so refreshing to run into someone and they be honest with you? That they tell you what is really on their hearts and what they are really struggling with?

I'd also like to lay a disclaimer out there for those who read this post. I don't want you to think that I think my life is all bad. Today, Connor unlatched while nursing, looked at me, and cooed and smiled. My heart melted. Brayden wanted to call my mom on Skype and told her his bible verse (Children obey your parents) and also said "love you Gigi". My heart melted. Drew went to the store for me so I wouldn't have to go with two sick kids... he is an amazing man, and I am blessed to be called his wife. There are definitely GOOD moments as a mom, and those moments get me through the many bad ones. It's just that I feel like this blog should share every aspect of my life, not just the rosey moments. And there you have it... just another dollop of my life.

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